As I begin to write this, I’m not sure you will ever see it. Honestly, sometimes I refrain from writing because what I think is likely to come pouring out of me is so raw and real that I’m not sure if I’m ready to look at it let alone willing to fling it into the “universe”.
I’ve had a rough week. Sometimes I am at a loss to express what I’m going through, maybe because I’m not quite sure myself and I feel that if I do share, no one is going to understand the battle I’m facing, so why waste my breath trying to explain when I’m already exhausted to begin with? So, I sigh and say it’s fine and keep it moving; which leads me to my next train of thought that may be responsible for derailing me. No matter how trying it is, I’ll just try more, try harder, longer, faster, smarter and guess what? It’s never enough and well, that’s a real bummer.
When you are doing all you can to make something better, to move forward and your best is not enough, it’s hard. When you feel alone in the struggle, its lonely. When you’re not sure how long you can maintain, it’s a bit scary and when you don’t see a clear path out, its daunting. Anyone?
The more I write, the more I realize, you likely know how I feel. You may not know my circumstances and I may not know yours, but we both know what it feels like to face a steep climb, we both know what it feels like to have a series of bad breaks and just hoping the winds of change start going our way, we both know what it’s like to feel tired from the fight.
You know things feel a little extra tender right now and I’m not sure how it will all end up but I do know this… you understand what it’s like to feel human and so does my Savior, so I’m not alone. My identity and yours does not come from our successes or our failures, it doesn’t come from our feelings or someone else’s opinions and my current circumstances remind me of this truth and really, that’s a gift.
Even in the hard, even in the pain, even in the stress, even in the doubt, even in the tender places, God is reminding me of truths that I can often forget. He’s reminding me that I have people around me who will listen when I am willing to share and He is reminding me to hold loosely to those things that I find myself striving for because all my hope, every last bit of it, is found in HIM and HIM ALONE!!
So, I’m feeling tender and grateful and that’s a pretty sweet spot to be.