Tag Archives: disappointment

When Mother’s Day is Hard

12 May

It definitely makes one feel vulnerable to share what your heart feels so deeply.  To let your heart bleed on “paper” for all to look at and comment on.  Please know as I write this I’m not looking for comments or fixes or platitudes.  I am simply using my voice to tell my heart’s story in the hopes that it will help ease the pain and loneliness that one may feel in their own story.

Moms are deserving of a day where they receive home-made cards, flowers, lunch made by someone else and extra loves as a “thank you” for all they pour out on others day in and day out.  Everyone in my immediate family is a mom, most of my friends are moms and they are some of the most amazing humans I know, who love big, try hard and do so in countless, selfless ways.  Moms Rock!  So, I don’t write this post to detract from all they deserve but to put voice to what I’m fairly certain is not only a heartache known to me.

There are multiple reasons why someone may not be a mom.  They may have chosen not to be,  they may have tried every means they could and nothing has worked or life just didn’t go the way we thought it would, you thought you were making the right decisions and maybe you were, but you didn’t end up at the destination you thought you were headed for.

When I was young, I would dream often about being a mom.  I would think of things I would want to do with my children, how many I wanted to have, what there names would be, memories I wanted to make, traditions I wanted to establish, becoming a mom was important to me.  Now as I sit here today in my 40’s, I don’t think of those things any more, now I think, “I wonder if I would’ve been a good mom?”, “I wonder if I would’ve made different decisions if I would’ve had a different outcome”, and “I wonder who will care for me when I’m old?”

I have attended Mother’s Day church service’s every Sunday for my entire life, as I’ve gotten older being a single person without a child, gets harder.  A few years ago, I was asked to speak on Mother’s Day Sunday, I talked about how God sees us.  From what I hear from others the talk went great, but after I was done, I was utterly miserable, to have what felt like a “spotlight” placed on me on a day that is tough for me, left me feeling so exposed that I wasn’t sure what to do with myself other than lay down and cry for a bit.

Last year as I stood at church singing during worship and my heart ached, I just couldn’t do it, I didn’t want to do it, so I left and you know what, that was ok.  I didn’t want to face having the mother’s stand while I sat or having someone say “Happy Mother’s Day” until they realize “oops, never mind”.  I just didn’t want to deal with it so I didn’t.

If you find yourself like me where you are torn between adoring the moms in your life and feeling the heart-break of the fact that you’re not one.  I just want to tell you, it’s ok.  It’s ok, to feel the pain, it’s ok, if you can’t keep a brave face on this year.  My prayer is that you find a way to honor those around you on this special day and also honor the fact that it’s a day that reminds you of a lost child or a lost dream.  I don’t know what that perfect balance is but we can try, and if we do it imperfectly, that’s ok too.  Give yourself some grace.

A special thank you to sweet friends who have allowed me to have a seat at their family table, who have bestowed upon me the “Auntie” title, that I hold dear, who have seen value in what a single person without children can offer even if we haven’t walked in your shoes.  Your inclusion and love means more than words can express and it is a joy and honor to be included.

Happy Mother’s Day to all the Mama’s and a GREAT BIG HUG for all those who will feel a little extra heartache tomorrow in the midst of the celebration.  You are each loved dearly ❤

 

 

 

 

 

 

Learning to Dream Again

27 Oct

What did you dream about when you were a child?  We all have dreams, something we spend time thinking about, hoping for, praying for, planning for (at least if you’re a planner like me).  I used to dream, hope, pray and plan a lot…but as the years rolled by, I started to dream a little less, felt like my odds were dwindling with each passing day.  Anyone can stay hopeful for a time, but when you feel like others have passed you by and your still sitting there hoping, dreaming, praying and planning, it starts to get a little discouraging.  So you talk to yourself, “hang in there”, “keep believing”, “keep doing what you know to do”…and all you hear are crickets.

This kind of disillusionment in my own life eventually led to a system shutdown.  Now, while I know it may make no sense to some, my theory was, if I stop hoping, praying, dreaming and planning maybe the fact that things aren’t going my way will hurt a little less.  As it turns out, my theory is completely flawed!!  When I made the decision to shut down and shut myself off.  Did I really stop thinking about that which my heart desires?  That would be a “NO”!  But, what it did do, is nearly sever my communications, my contact and my heart from God and those who I love and who love me.  It wasn’t my best moment (technically it was much longer than a moment).

I guess I would say, I’m currently in the re-boot process, it’s not the easiest thing to fire all engines back up with the flip of a switch, but God is showing me that He’s with me, that He loves me and He wants to hear from me.  I am also learning to a greater degree that I need others.  Being strong is great, but everyone needs support and encouragement.  Having tough conversations, feeling pain and loss, as difficult as they may be, they are far better than attempting to feel nothing at all.  So, I’m learning to dream again, learning to believe for greater things, planning goals for my life and hope, I would say, is starting to spark.

How about you?  Have you given up and decided to sit out of the race?  Why don’t you join me and dust off those dreams?  Who knows, maybe there’s a new one inside you just waiting to step out.  It may hurt and most likely it won’t turn out exactly how we plan, but He’s for us, so who can be against us?  Why don’t you consider learning to dream again?

“You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream.” – C.S. Lewis